Taking a page from Gemini's book, here is a list of goals, future dated for my convenience.

In no particular order, and constantly updated:

-Weigh 249 lb

-Weigh 234 lb

-Weigh 221 lb

-Weigh 211 lb

-Weigh 199 lb or below.

-Weigh 170 lb

-Complete Auron Costume

-Complete Okiku Costume 1 and Okiku Costume 2

-Complete Yuri Costume

-Finish "The Interlude Event, Book 1"

-Register for Anime Boston

-Register for Otacon

-Get a job

-Get another job

-Purchase a car

-Purchase a personal computer

-Purchase a PS3

-Purchase an XBox 360

-Upgrade Computer

I may not be going to college, but I think turning 18 is a good time to make a switch to a clean slate.

gunslingerborn

See you all on the flip side.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Every time I'm thinking bout'
The day coming 'round
Well I'll be strong
Well that's the day that passes into night
It's like I can't hold on
I can't hold on

I'm uneasy, And I'm weak in the knees
And I'm trying not to breathe
Not believing, Not believing you're gone
And that I was the one to let you

I'm so, I'm so lonely for her
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her
So lonely for her

I'm staring at the clock but the clock
Doesn't talk, it just stands still
A head full of fuzz, and a puzzle
That adds up the scandal
No I can't handle these nights
So I shudder to think
When the nights turn to weeks
Am I alright? The comedian said
That a day without lights just...

I'm so, I'm so lonely for her
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her
I'm so lonely for her
I'm so, I'm so lonely

I'm so lonely
My one and only..

I'm so, I'm so lonely for her
(And when the rain comes)
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her
(It'll fall and that's okay)
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her
(And when the sun comes out)
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her
(It's gonna be a beautiful day)
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her
I'm so, I'm so lonely for her

All I know is that
I'm so, lonely for her.. for her
Open my window, oh..
I'm ready to live with this
And you walk by my window, oh..
You give me something to miss
White legs to the touch

I'm so lonely
My one and only..

I broke up with Christie today. For the last few weeks we were quasi-broken up, so today she wanted me to come over and talk...so I did. And I caught her off guard completely when I told her how I felt. To be entirely honest, I don't quite understand it myself. I love her. Yet, love didn't quite seem like enough. It hasn't been for a while.

I don't know what else to say about it. I'm torn up, but oddly calm. Things'll work out.

For the past few weeks I've been spending a lot of time with my friends. You know who you are. More and more I'm starting to realize how much you guys mean to me. Some of you are going really far away, but those within reasonable distances will be seeing me. I'll kidnap you. I promise.

Other than that, I'm gearing up for the big fall "Clean the fuck outta my life" thing I've dedicated myself to doing. I've been letting myself slide for way too long. Gained a lot of weight. Let so much go. It's time to turn that around. Job, diet, exercise...all steps towards the inevitable goal.

Wish me luck.

-S.

Don't expect this to be at all coherent.

Awesome birthday. Awesome concert. Awesome friends. Easily one of the best days of my life.

Mindless Self Indulgence blew my fucking socks off. There's no better way to put it. Just...gah. Seriously, I could have left after they played and been content. Jimmy was fucking hillarious. He plugged a DDR pad into his pants and then rubbed his crotch (His 'personal X-Box') and yelled "I'm playing Halo 3!". He also grabbed some girl's cell phone, called her mom and then told this girl's mom that her daughter was being devoured by zombies. But it was okay. The cops were on their way. And so much more. But I'm too dazed to remember it.

Following them, we saw Julien-K, who were decent. And then Placebo, who were much more than decent. Again, my fucking socks were blown clean off. They stuck mostly to their old stuff, which was awesome, though I would have killed to hear Infrared. (Brian is adorable, BTW). HIM and Taking Back Sunday followed. Both also awesome. And then MCR. I think my trousers were blown off this time. 'Cause seriously, I was getting short on socks. They put on a really great live show, though the one I saw back in March/February was a a lot better. Probably 'cause they headlined then.

Oddly enough, I didn't go to Project Rev expecting to enjoy Linkin Park, but I did. A lot. I haven't really been into them in a few years, but I'm hooked again. Their live show was kick ass.

And now I'm home, eating my first meal in almost forty-eight hours, drinking several glasses of water, and about to pass out.

I might post something more detailed eventually. Now, though, my mind's fucking blown. And I'm sleepy.

I am now legal. This is both scary and tantalizing.

*rubs chin in deep thought*

-S.

I am now an 'adult'.

And I don't feel at all different.

Go me?

I turn eighteen tomorrow at 1:49 PM.

I know it isn't some huge thing to get all crazy over, it's just making me feel odd. Inadequate and scared is a better way to describe it, I guess. Am I supposed to feel like an adult? Like everything is under control? Because I don't. Once summer ends I gotta get a job. Save up money. Start putting together a package to send out to colleges I want to go to. It all hinges on success.

It's daunting. I guess we'll see how it goes.

Being sick sucks. And having my phone on the fritz sucks even more. I think I need a new battery. It's eating people's texts and sometimes I get random calls that don't really exist. It's weird.

Project Revolution tomorrow, too. If we can manage to find a way to get down there, I mean. So far all roads lead nowhere.

PS: Bioshock rocks my socks. If you're into first person shooters or just really good games, pick it up for the 360 or the PC. You won't regret it.

-S.

I did nothing I wanted to do today because my parents are douchebags.

...and I'm insanely, over-the-top angry because of it.

Guh.

Sleep time?

Yes, please.

-S.

Tonight was the Rise Against, Silverstein and Comeback Kid concert in Boston. AKA: One of the best nights of my life. It involved moshing, driving, screaming, laughing and drinking copious amounts of water. Thank God for water. It tasted like ambrosia after spending more than four hours in a room that felt about as hot as hell, jammed between several people, all of which seemed to want to go in different directions. We beat some fools down. Met some interesting people. And spent more time on a subway than I cared to.

And for those of you who have never been to Boston on the day or a Red Sox game, let me tell you it was crazy go-nuts. Seriously. Vendors EVERYWHERE. More people gathered together than I've ever, ever seen. Trash covering the sidewalks. We literally got hit with newspapers that we didn't want when we told the people that were giving them out that we were fine withot them. It was easy getting to the Avalon, though, seeing as they're literally next door neighbors. We just had to follow the people in Red Sox gear.

Comeback Kid was actually really good, but the lead singer's USA shorts were not. A little to the left and he wouldn't have left anything to the imagination. Silverstein made me cream my pants. And Rise Against made me cream them again. I am not ashamed. It was fucking amazing.

Of course, after hiking it back to the car (The entire time of which I felt like I was going to puke up my stomach, despite not having eaten or drunk anything for more than 24 hours. Actually, that's probably why I felt so sick), we stopped at Denny's. Almost got into a fight with a bunch of stoners...who smashed Chris's tail lights and ripped off his lisence plate. In retrospect, we probably should have ripped them apart. I was in a fighting mood, but we avoided it because we were tired, hungry and thirsty. And besides, we didn't realize they touched his car until afterwards, and they were long gone. God damn it.

After that, we formed a gang: The Ice Cream Cakes. Here's my possie;

Rainbow Sprinkles - Sarah Motherfuckin' Sloan
Hot Fudge - Matthew 'Banged your momma' Cameron
Little Crumbly Pieces - Brianna 'Killerface' Cameron
Creamsicle - Daniel 'Hard Ballin' Pucell
The Frosting - Karissa 'I'll shank you' Lydon
Vanilla Twist - Greg 'Somethin' somethin'

Of course, I'm Chocolate Sprinkles. Me and Sera are the leaders. We'll fuck shit up. Seriously, we will.

And now I'm home. And whimsical. And in need of a good night's sleep, after which I'll wake up sore and cranky.

Such is life.

I've been here so long; think that its time to move
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon
So let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

-S

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go
Today in the blink of an eye
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know, whoa
Today I'm on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I don't know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think Ill make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder, and I said

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain

And listen to the thunder

So, I meant to write a couple days ago, but my computer was tied down, raped, beaten and then pissed on and I got left to pick up the pieces. I lost everything I've EVER written in my entire life. I lost all my pictures (photographs I'll never be able to replace), all sorts of odds and ends I worked on in photoshop and all the commissions I've ever paid for. So I'm writing this from a clean, untouched computer. Only good thing about it was I got to put on Vista, but of course now I have no sound because my soundcard isn't Vista compatible. Oi.

Been a few days since we saw Cody off and it's still sorta weird. I'm so used to seeing him and Sera together and going off on crazy adventures. We can't exactly do 1-2-3 NOT IT or anything anymore. It wouldn't make any sense. We'll see him again, of course. And get his letters. But it's just so odd. Of course he isn't the last. Soon I'll see everyone fly off. Not that most of you won't be leaving the general area, but the feeling is potent none the less.

Still feeling sorta crappy, but I'm working on it. I feel the need to turn my life around, but the steering wheel appears to be missing.

Oh look, a brick wall...

-S.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Terrible way to start off an entry, I know, but I really can't think of anything else to say. I'm starting to see patterns which concern me (actually, by starting I mean 'finally recognizing'), and it's sort of scary. I let school slide. I let keeping myself healthy slide. I let all sorts of things slide. Until, really, I got not much left but regret and twisted optimism. And I think the worst part of it all is everything that's wrong right now is something I myself could have fixed. And can fix. But I just don't. I hate how much weight I've gained. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Solution? Eat less and exercise. No brainer, right? Wrong.

Smoking, too? I already walked that road once and I know where it leads. Sure, it's fun. I enjoyed it. But now that it's slowly becoming closer to it being legal for me and it's hovering over me like the sword of fucking Damocles. I stopped smoking cold turkey last time because I came to the sudden and horrid realization that it would lead me into deeper and darker things. Places I don't want to go. Things I don't want to do. I shouldn't be going there again. Not now. Not ever. Because I'm oddly terrified, based on other things, that I won't be able to control myself once I start.

I just...I've come to terms with the fact that life isn't all candy-canes and gumdrops plenty of times, but I'm the kind of stupid, optimistic idiot that never really is prepared for stuff when the shit hits the fan. I care too much about everyone and everything.

On an entirely seperate note, I had a really good time at Cody's party and at my party, even if my party did involve quite a bit of drama. Drama I really did not need. I've come to really treasure my friends lately and with Cody leaving tomorrow (today?) it's really starting to hit home. 'You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone' never seemed to resonate more. I'm gonna miss that kid. Past two years Sera, him and I have been really close. We've been on epic adventures, saved the world by laughing, watched a shitload of movies and have created a lot of good memories. Even if things haven't always been perfect.

Highlights of the past two days?

-Cody piss-drunk. Hell, the entire latter half of Cody's party was simultaneously hilarious and horrifying.

-Driving to Wal-Mart. For no reason at all. And then assaulting the Mobil next door.

-Trampoline.

-Playing a couple rounds of 'Hide Gerri's phone'.

-Wii Sports

-Wii Play (Fuckin' tanks)

-Slip and Slide

-Kendo Sticks

-"It's nine o'clock." "No it's fucking not. It's eight forty-nine." "Close enough."

-"Don't make me turn the car around!"

-Epic Bawls Run

-Zombie Strategy Session 2.0

-Random walk around the neighborhood.

-"Sera's like a hummingbird."

-Both parties in general.

So yeah, I'm gonna go sleep. I'm probably seeing Cody tomorrow (today) before he leaves.

Peace.

-S.

Friends = Love.

Seriously, I don't think I can say it any better than that. Lately I've realized, through both bad and good experiences, how much I value all my friends.

Ended up getting kidnapped by Cody and Sera today, which was awesome. Ran around, explored places, got wet and watched a couple movies. Hills Have Eyes 2? Thumbs down. Slither? Thumbs up. Way up. The night ended with a planning session on what to do in the case of a zombie invasion. I am now confident that in the event, I'll be ready.

And, on a more whimsical note, I've decided that I have a healthy man-crush on Nathan Fillion. I don't care what he's in, who he plays or why. He's just good. And ruggedly attractive.

Life lately has been a mish-mash of moments that all blend together into a faded, blurry painting. Like a watercolor gone wrong. But wrong in a good way or a bad way?

Only time will tell.

-S.

A quick talk with my parental unit changed the date of the party by one day. Which means Cody's party on Saturday, mine on Sunday.

To re-iterate, my party is now on August 12th from noon until whenever.

That'll be all.

Big entry in the morning.

When I'm not about to pass out.

-S.

So, in order to quell the chaos, yes, Cody's parents decided to throw him a party on the same day I'm having my graduation/birthday thing.

Yes, we have basically the same friends in some quadrants and it's going to get dicey.

No, there's no reason to panic.

Seeing as Cody is literally leaving and heading off to parts unknown for a while, I don't see any reason why we can't make things work. My party starts at noon. His starts at five. We can do some stuff at my house and then swarm him house. If that's fine with him, I mean. I gotta talk to him about it.

Other than that, I don't got much to say. Even for my own personal benefit. It just took me off guard, but it's nothing to worry about.

-S.

mel·an·chol·y

–noun
1. a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression.
2. sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

I think that about fits right now. I mean, I hate to be all 'emo', but lately I feel down in the worst way with periods of happiness sprinkled on top. Like some sort of depressing, nasty cake with wonderful, yet intermittent, icing.

Christie's back from Europe, which is great. She brought me back a t-shirt from Switzerland, some boxers from Paris and an 'authentic' British copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And although this may sounds strange to those few Brits that read this journal, but it's an almost entirely different experience. I mean, sure, some of the text is a bit different, but it just feels awesome reading it from a store all the way in London. I honestly can't explain it.

We spent yesterday gallivanting about. I saw the Number 23, unrated of course, which was a really interesting movie. And, to be honest, it really threw me off with the twists, which most movies rarely do. Jim Carrey as always, was awesome. The random sex scenes were interesting. And apparently in the unrated version, were longer than in the theatrical, but I didn't mind. Not like I was watching it with my parents or anything. Other than that we played video games, watched Tenacious D POD, which is honestly one of my favorite movies. Not because it's awesome in a good way. Because it's awesome in a bad way and fuckin' hilarious.

Birthday/Graduation party is coming up. I sent people invitations already, but I may have missed someone...or something. Comment if you didn't get one or want extra info.

And what do I want for my birthday, you ask? A horse, of course, of course.

On a somewhat related note, I want my tattoos and my piercings now, damn it. NOW. Though I'm gonna have to wait until after the 24th. But fuck, those three days are gonna be awesome. 23rd a large group of us are getting some tats and piercings (which, in retrospect, means I'll have to get parental permission. Ick.), 24th is Project Revolution and the 25th the same large group is heading up to Canada for drinking, partying and camping. Halle-fucking-lujah.

-S.

Do you ever get that feeling that you can do NOTHING right?

I'm getting that feeling today.

Hardcore.

...because I know it's true.

-S.